How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
