you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
