If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
