whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The convent might be a nice break from real life
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
