So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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