I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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