I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
