i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
