Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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