I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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