my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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