I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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