I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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