just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
