My underwear smells like fireworks.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
