Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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