Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
