my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
