I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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