Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
