I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
