I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
