May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
