lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Is it because I queefed?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
