Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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