She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
