Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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