3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
