I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
