im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
