90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
