I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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