I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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