You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
