It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
