umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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