I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
