On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
