Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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