So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
