A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
