i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
