My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
