a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
