3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
