dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
