I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
