I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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