hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
