Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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